I remember last year, around this time I was in a deep hole. Back then, a year has past since I returned home from the greatest adventure that I ever embarked on, which I finished with a psychedelic encounter that to this day gives me goosebumps when I talk about it.
And I returned home with the feeling that I could take on the world and that my life will be awesome all the time, that all my problems are gone, now that I tasted of the psychedelic nectar of the jungle. How naive I was and how many lessons awaited me back home in the form of people, places and circumstances. This psychedelic voyage of mine was onle the beginning, the work began afterwards. Was it easy? Definetly not. Was it worth it? A 100%.
The first year of being back home was filled with an internal fire that felt like burning me from the inside – metaphorically speaking. I had countless sleepless nights where I laid in my bed with a punding heart in my chest and a sweaty blanket covering me. A feeling of doom and terror accompied me those nights, they covered me like a second blanket and as I gained a lot of understanding at that time about how the world really works I was somehow convinced that my feelings of doom were quite true, that indeed the world was about to end and I felt like no one gives a damn. My feelings were true, of course not in the way as I stated earlier. The world didn’t end, well not yet, it certainly will at some point, as everything in the universe will. What really came to an end was the world that I was conditioned to regard as the “real thing”.
What I mean by that is all the things society, education and people around us push down our throats with the absolute conviction that it is “the truth”. What happened to me was quite simply a process of forming my own outlook over the world, my own perspectives and thoughts. I just questioned EVERYTHING I was ever taught. I picked my mind apart like a mechanic picks apart a car to find the part that’s not working anymore. I too searched for the parts that didn’t worked in harmony with the rest of my mind and took them out to replace them with the parts that do.
My world has changed and the world as a whole too. In fact, it is changing in some incredible ways and nobody can predict where it will all go. It is exciting and frightening at the same time and we’re in the middle of it all.
As I said at the beginning, that psychedelic encounter was the beginning of a very long process that might never come to an end.
The year of 2017 was very introspectrive for me, as you might know by now. I wasn’t very active in regards to the standarts of society. Most of my free time was dedicated to long walks in nature and to my pen and notebooks of which I filled 7 by now. It was my way of documenting the process that unravled for myself, so that I can revisit all the things that I learned and gained insight into. They are my dearest treasure and I believe they are the foundation for what has lived inside of me for quite a few years now – writing a book.
This, however will take time and I am not in a need to hurry at the moment, but I know that I my book will be about the potential of humanity and how we can utilize it to create a world that is of benefit to everyone and by everyone I don’t mean just humans, but all creatures we share this planet with, so that we arrive at the position we were destined to arrive at – as gardeners of the Garden of Eden so to speak. We are the most intelligent and capable species that ever walked this earth, let’s use that potential for something good.
2018 however has been more “earthly” for me. The lessons that I learned were still, to a large extent in my head, they weren’t fully grounded in my actions and overall approach to life just yet. So the main theme of 2018 was and still is grounding, being present and connected to my body, which I haven’t been for quite a long time, especially when I returned into my hometown during the summer of ’16. I didn’t wanted to admit it back then, but I was a hell of a mess, or maybe I just gained a much more objective viewpoint of myself in general, or maybe a bit of both – yeah probably that.
I’ve been reading a lot lately too, some books about the yogis of india, some more scientific books and fantasy books as well. Overall did I grow very fond of reading again after I went on a hiatus from too much information entering my already overstimulated brain – that was in 2017. I think I didn’t touch any book at all, I also had the intuitive feeling that I had to get rid of my social media for the most part. It was just too much for me at that time and I won’t be going back, that’s for sure.
Something I struggled with the most during my purgatory year of 2017 was to find a creative outlet for what I was going through. I had my writings, but those were just a personal thing, except for this blog, but I needed something different. As I was cleaning up our basement a little one day, I noticed a box with a paintbrush sticking out. In it I found a lot of painting materials, some paintings my mom made and a collection of paintings my grandfather painted. As I was looking through the paintings of these two generations, I felt the emotions and feelings behind those paintings and the urge to continue their work, it would’ve been a waste to not utilize this affinity for painting and creative work that runs through my family since generations. That’s why I picked up painting as a way to express myself as well, next to writing and who knows that might come in handy if I want to combine writing and painting into a book that tells a story with words and with pictures.
What I learned during this time is, that there is no end to this process, it continues forever until you take your last breath the only thing that happens is, that it becomes a little easier with time.
I learned so much about myself and the world in this period of time and I am really grateful for that, now I want to do something with all of it.
Thank you for reading & let’s continue to grow together!